Above is a photo of a collage I made as a mood board for the year (next to a piece by my cousin who is also an artist). I have so many thoughts spinning around in my head today - it’s a Sunday and Spotify said my vibe was apocalyptic christian folk which I didn’t even know was a mood but it most definitely is. Mostly it’s Young Oceans and The Brilliance playing. It feels really nice to have something to listen to while everyone in the house does their own thing. It’s a sunny day and right now I feel drawn to write about my current learning curve in life which is called, “staying”.

I haven’t let myself be in one place for a while.

It’s helped me come to terms with some realities I have wanted to avoid thinking about, but thoughts that my behaviors could never adequately hide. I’ve had really high standards for myself. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ve been a bit of a bridge burner because of that…It’s made it difficult to stay in one place and not try to start over all the time. I’ve avoided vulnerability by just limiting my proximity to people/places and coincidentally myself. I would now call it anxiety - the panic about not being the right person in the right place at the right time, but it’s cost me. It’s meant that I spent a lot more time trying to figure out what I needed to identify as separate from myself because identifying with anything felt claustrophobic and overwhelming.

It’s like I haven’t understood my self enough to let other things be related to me. I got really good at quitting things. Maybe I was always good at that.

It’s funny to look back at previous blog posts I’ve written and to know and recognize that making art has always been such an emotional experience for me. Writing feels so vulnerable and scary to read back on but it also feels like the only way I know how to create. It feels separate from me because of how much I change and evolve on some level - and still I am always Hannah. I don’t know what it would be like to make art and not feel like I was wearing my heart on my sleeve every time. I definitely used to see that as a weakness, but now I’m wondering what would happen if I saw it as a strength.Up until this point I’ve felt like a failure as an artist for not believing in myself enough to be selling my work on a platform long term. I’m sensitive and easily deterred at times. But a big part of that is because it’s taken me until now to know where I want to go. It’s taken until now for me to know that because for a long time I didn’t feel good enough to go where I wanted to go, I suppose.

also deciding to make things and not put the pressure on myself or being disappointed when i am not what i wanted to be now.

I’ve been a lot of other things as well, but moving back to my hometown and being in a queer relationship certainly does not allow you to hide behind any facades. It’s been a pretty bare bones experience, full of beauty in a lot of ways and also full of a lot of painful moments.

I feel like I’m seeing everything as a tool, as a vehicle to get me to another place.