plants & art

It’s been a while since I wrote something to be seen on here and tonight I just feel inspired so I’m going for it.

I feel a little like a traitor when it comes to being an artist right now because I am 100% full time not being an artist. I just got a job with the township where I live and I am on the horticultural team. This means plants. This means gardening. All over the place. All day, during the week. And to be honest, I’m very happy. I’ve missed working with a crew I love and being outside all the time and just thinking while I work. I feel at home when I’m outside in a way that I usually don’t inside. That’s the honest truth.

I’m learning lots of things about myself these days. I’m learning my body usually knows what it wants/needs before my mind clues in and can follow through. I’m learning that caffeine can no longer be my drug of choice thanks to the anxiety I experience along with it. Dandelion tea with honey is my new go-to.

I’m learning that yoga may be a lifesaver after all. As soon as I can coax myself into doing it again.

I’m learning more about what being an adult feels like. I think for a lot of people being an adult means being unhappy. Or at least that’s what I think most adults are. I used to think being an adult meant being unhappy because it meant paying bills and holding down a job and being so excruciatingly miserable all the time because of all the responsibility that came with being an adult. I guess for people who are in committed relationships or have kids or people depending on them then there are all of these responsibilities they didn’t necessarily choose for themselves, and they didn’t necessarily have until adulthood to find themselves needing to take responsibility for others either.

But here I am: I’m happy. And I’m an adult. And I don’t know why that seems like an oxymoron or that I’m just too naive to be unhappy yet.

I haven’t made art since christmas break. The last time I was making something just for the sake of making it was when I was given a beautiful moleskine and a new set of papermate markers and I drew mostly just leaves and flowers for hours. It was so great.

But now I am working a full time job and doing things which are not art and I feel like I sold my freedom to capitalism but also I’m so happy???? To have a routine??? So what now?????

I’m going to keep tracking with this feeling of being an artist who is also feeling joyful about not making art because - plot twist - it’s kind of really fun to pretend I’m not a real life artist these days. I know that it’s what comes naturally to me when I decide to do it, but it’s really cool to just be a person these days. To just be someone who finds things beautiful and doesn’t have to try so hard to make something because of it. I’m tired of trying. I’m actually just physically exhausted from moving across the country and being an adult in a new/old place because it’s freaking scary. And also fun. But also scary.

I reached a point out here where I decided to put all my art supplies away. I boxed them up. I told my inner critic and creator, “We’re going on a vacation, you can shut down for a while and just enjoy the sightseeing” and my artist self immediately bent down to kiss the ground and thank me for letting her have some down time while my critic self lit a cigarette, threw on a beret and pretended to be walking down the streets of Paris at sunset. It was nice.

I think I will make better art because of this stretch of time where I’m just happy to be here. I’m so happy, to just be here.

I’m also very curious to see what my artist self looks and sounds like after her little holiday. I’m sure she’s somewhere cold right now, like skiing in the Himalayas. If that’s even possible. She just needed to go be alone in the cold and the sunshine. I’m rooting for her.

So here I am - I’m here with the plants, I’m with the hufflepuff people who love plants, I am enjoying my dandelion tea in the middle of a weird winter. My inner artist and critic are on sabbatical and as soon as they return, I’m sure we’ll have lots to say.