bodies & goodness & being scared

Last night I couldn’t sleep and instead of reading I journaled and I guess I had a lot to say. I just watched The Social Network for the first time and the soundtrack was still playing in my head as I let my subconscious flow across the pages until I finally fell asleep around 2am.

I think part of why this state of mind bubbled to the surface after watching that movie in particular was because I kept thinking about the hundreds of millions of online actions which have impacted people’s lives in real time. Like the people sitting in front of the screen have no idea how their actions are going to cause equal or opposite reactions on the other side of someone else’s monitor. Facebook was created by a bunch of college kids who had limited life experience and now if you don’t have Facebook it’s like you’re sitting on the outside of something. I don’t want to be on the inside of it either, but it’s sad to me that the real world is happening in real time and instead we settle for experiencing so many other people’s lives secondhand.

This is what I wrote before finally dozing off to sleep:

What if authority figures in my life who impacted me negatively were only there for me to choose to get angry about the important stuff? What if they were there to get me enraged about injustice and disparity and exclusion? What if times when I felt controlled, reprimanded or looked down on were to serve as reminders about what it feels like in my body when I am not obeying that gut feeling? When I need to go against the grain because only I know what is the right thing for me specifically to do? What if the moments when I feel like an enigma, when I feel like I only confuse people or disappoint are the moments when I become my biggest cheerleader and keep being my sweet, weird self anyway? What if when I felt alienated was also when I felt most connected with my Deep Inner Knowing? What if when I felt ignored by someone, I exhaled long and hard and relished in the extra attention I could give to that other person I love so much who’s asking me to laugh and dance and be present with them? What if when I’m smacked with the reminder that I come out of a religion which has repeatedly told people in general that their bodies are dangerous and cannot be trusted…what if I believed in the cosmic realities they are capable of anyway?

What if I rejected those damaging ideologies

because they have enabled systems and agendas

which seek profit over the well being of people every time?

What if I called their bluff?

What if I started writing for myself? What if I didn’t care that it was going to ruffle feathers when my thoughts were articulated clearly and not convoluted on purpose to seem less extreme? What if I wasn’t afraid to be seen anymore? What if I decided there was more to lose in the watching on the sidelines than there was in actually playing the game?

What if I let go of stories which have kept me in fear for so long? What if I was still angry on their behalf but I was also resolute? And articulate? And not paralyzed by my own fear? What if I believed I could do something about it?

What if it meant making the people closest to me a little uncomfortable? What if it meant putting some serious skin in the game? What if it meant starting at square one?

Where would that be?

What if being good enough was no longer a qualifier for doing something about it?

What if it meant listening to my inner child and reminding her of her own eternal goodness? What if it meant not putting up any more walls? What if it meant tearing old walls down? What if it meant experiencing rejection again and again instead of offering it first to avoid being on the receiving end? What if it meant forgiveness and self-forgiveness? What if it meant telling a better story? What if it meant not getting offended?

What if it meant the risk of being misunderstood and over-simplified and showing up anyway? What if it meant unraveling again and again until all of the nonsense is out of my system? What if it meant believing the best is actually yet to come and I haven’t missed out? What if it was inevitable that I would be misinterpreted? What if it doesn’t matter because nobody else could tell the world my truth except for me?

What if I was honest about what I wanted and it was just that : honest. Not weak, or ugly, just real. What if I believed I was so strong and delicate and powerful all at once? What if I believed in my own lovability? What if I saw myself as an equal partner in any conversation?

What if I am

b e c o m i n g

in my own perfect time?

What if I stopped wondering where I should have been all along?

What if right here and now has always been good enough? Right here and now.