microshifts

Okay there have been some things happening in my brain. Some little shifts, some little micro shifts. Little things changing. Thoughts which used to feel like normal little paths in my head. I’m noticing the little person walking down those paths  in my brain is stopping at certain intersections and saying to themselves, “Oh that’s odd. Usually I go left here but I think I’ll just see what happens when I go right instead”. Or usually I get to the edge of a certain cliff in the mountainous parts of my brain and I work myself up to just hurtling myself off the cliff and I internally scream for a while until I realize it wasn’t that big of a cliff and I just had a meltdown for nothing because there was a big puddle after a 2 foot drop and nothing happened. Now I’ve practiced and I get to the edge of the cliff and I chuckle to myself and keep walking. 

There are ways I self edit and self censor and then there are ways I act like a sponge and it’s uncomfortable. I want to be who I am and not be so focused on becoming something which isn’t right now. I want to be comfortable with the uncool, scary honest ways that I am in the present. I want to not hold myself back from being me. 

I’m coming back

to whoever I am. 

I’m not cringing anymore

when I see the ways I was before. 

Just exhaling with her

and letting her off the hook

because I know how bruised she is,

my poor brain. 

Everything she has become until now,

even if she was being stupid,

she did it so bravely. 

I have to give her that. 

So we continue. 

I am so tired. 

Here is where we meet

with desire. 

Here is where

the work begins.