on being a snail

I started this post on September 1st and am returning to it a month later because all I did was upload this photo of a drawing I did years ago (which I love) and label the post, “on being a snail”. Not entirely sure where past Han was going with that thought but I’m picking it up anyway because that’s what I do.

There are a lot of things happening internally for me right now and I don’t have words for it yet or I don’t feel like the important part is the, “show your work” part yet. We aren’t there. We’re in the, “develop your routine and go about your daily life and in the midst of that daily thing there will be some bigger things” and I’m very excited to see what they are.

Tonight I sat on the lawn across from my neighbour (who is also a dear friend) and we talked face to face on the ground while her son wandered around on the lawn. After doing long distance relationships with so many people for most of my adult life a moment like that today felt surreal. I am waking up in a little bit of disbelief that I get to be back in this space again.

It’s like I’ve been a snail this whole time, for the last 10 years and I’ve been wearing my shell and sliding around everywhere with this weight on my back. And it’s honestly been exhausting. I think my body’s been in a comatose state for the last 3 days, I’ve been able to read it on my skin and on my face. But today felt like I might actually not be carrying this shell anymore, because I just realized I’m home.

I think I’d prefer to be a slug if it means they get to not carry their home anymore, even though it’s a lot scarier and more exposing. Because now all the other slugs can see all your spots and slime and they can see where you’ve been and all the trails you left behind and you aren’t wearing your beautiful shell to distract from who you really are.

At least for me the trade off is so worth it. I don’t have a shell anymore and it feels so good.