on feeling up in the air

So many scattered and contradictory thoughts today. So much feels up in the air right now and not in an urgent, decision making way, but in a, “Time moves quickly and you’re growing up” kind of way.

In so many ways I feel like I’ve been a spectator to my own life until now. It feels like I just woke up and am living in my body and before I was just watching it as an observer.

Sometimes I envy parents for the fact that their life purpose is right there in front of them, in the tiny bodies scurrying around, needing to be taken care of, completely dependent on them for everything. I used to think it was so silly to want a family because why would I want that when there are so many other things I want to do in the world?

But lately it seems like the anxiety to ‘figure it out’ could be quelled with this all-encompassing decision to devote oneself to one thing for the foreseeable future and I understand the allure. It isn’t something I desire but I understand the draw in a way I never have before.

Saying I feel up in the air right now doesn’t even seem like it truly fits because I do feel like I’m on the ground.

But I feel like my body is on the ground while my mind is 30 000 feet in the air. I feel like they’re separate a little bit.

Maybe they’ll collide soon.