the space in between the brackets

Last night as I was leaving therapy I checked my phone to see a that a certain friend had sent a voice memo. We don’t talk often but as fellow artists I think we understand the secret ways we communicate without communicating and then sometimes you actually send the voice memos and it’s nice. But in her memo she told me that a few nights ago she had a dream in which I followed her on Instagram from an account she didn’t know about. The profile picture was black and white and the bio just said, “coming soon”. It was cryptic. But she was sending the voice memo to ask what was in the works for me.

I was ecstatic in my memo back. I didn’t know what to actually say so I was enthused and communicated my excitement at connecting but I told her that yes there are things in the works. I do not know what else to say right now except for that. I do not fully comprehend the how or the what yet, but yes, things are in the works.

I feel a little beyond words right now. I feel deeply, but I cannot articulate yet. I’m going through a thing. I’m waiting on the growing. I’ve been here before but I’ve never been here before. Versions of me have been here before. I am fluid, I am calm but I am also in a frenzy. There is violence, there is hate, but I want none of it to have a place in who I am becoming as this world continues to unfold. I don’t make sense, I want to be nonsensical, I want to hold hands with the nonsensical because delusion seems like the only way forward. I’m not trying to be dramatic, I just am dramatic. I am not waiting to be understood anymore - understand this: I am here to Dismantle, not demand your understanding.

I used to speak in pages and paragraphs and now I can barely whisper.

There is a new thing coming. A new old thing.

I am unravelling and I think it’s only going to get better from here. But still it is getting worse first.