I was certainly not planning on writing right now ..it’s almost my bedtime.

Ideally I like to be under the covers and snapping off my little pink bedside lamp at 9:30pm so I can wake up at 4:30am to write while munching on toasted coconut bread with olive oil and salt on it. Maybe a little honey. And tea. But the cheap kind, not the good stuff we used to drink when Han & Hayl & I lived together.

But I’m in packing mode and tonight was one of my favourite type of nights - the kind where you just putter around, moving things into different piles that only make sense to you. I forgot how it feels to have a secret little mental system in your head and to not have to explain yourself to anyone about it - but to just do it and know that it makes sense to you. I was moving pieces of lined paper and string and rolled up beeswax and mini masterpieces and markers and so many art supplies.

There was no music tonight - however I listened to a podcast one of my cousins sent me - he was interviewed a little while ago to talk about the organization he co-founded and it was beautiful to listen to while I sat on the white carpet, bathed in the yellow glow of the vintage lamps at my uncle’s home. He messaged to ask how I was doing while he’s away on a roadtrip and I told him it’s been a year. I am beyond exhausted. I have pushed my limits. I have gone further than I ever meant to go in a direction I did not know existed.

I feel like I’m wading in shallow, knee deep water and it’s warm but it’s midnight and the sky is so navy blue and I’m breathing in the salty late summer early autumn air and feeling melancholic and nostalgic - the way I think everyone must feel at this time of year. And I’m staring into space and I feel so inspired but drained at the same time. It makes me want to write more and stay up later and sit around campfires with warm apple cider. But for right now I’m just packing because I’m getting ready to move back across the country and I don’t know how I’m going to physically make it there, that feels so beyond me at this moment in time. But I know that’s where I’m going. I’m tired but I am awake.