sore throat

My throat is aching

it has been for weeks

years, actually.

And it’s funny how you try everything you hope will stop the pain from being there

when you could just do the thing you don’t want to do

and the pain would go away all on its own.

Sometimes the medicine is saying the things you’re afraid to say

the things you’re afraid to let everyone see.

I’m afraid of everyone seeing how confusing and contradictory I am.

Ah, and there’s a little ease in my throat. Just saying that. A tiny respite.

I digress.

I’m afraid of never feeling like I’m doing the right thing. I am afraid of missing out on my own destiny. I am afraid of not delivering what I think I should be able to deliver. I am afraid of taking myself too seriously and only later realizing that everything was supposed to be fun and I made it not fun for myself. I am afraid of not knowing what to do or where to go with my life in order to feel ‘fulfilled’.

I read those things and I sigh with relief because so much of what I am afraid of has already happened. I know what all of those things feel like. And I’m still here. Why would I keep living in fear of a feeling I have already befriended?