ish

I feel messy in a way I never have before: it is a messiness void of the usual anxiety this time.

This time it feels like taking responsibility in a whole new way. This time it feels like admitting when I’ve done something wrong and still choosing to be myself and move on.

This time being messy feels less complicated than it has before. And part of that is because I guess I’ve understood that I could play the coulda, shoulda, woulda game for the rest of my life but I just don’t want to anymore.

There have been deeply intense moments where I feel overwhelmed about how I got here and now to this time and place and I wish it could all be different, but here I am. There are things I wish I could change and people I could apologize to over and over again and it’s never going to change decisions I made or how I got here.

There are lots of things about my own story that I would love to change. If I could go about everything during the pandemic differently, I definitely would change a lot of things. If I could go back to when I was starting to enter my ‘deconstruction era’, I would have done that very differently too. If I could go back to when I was 17 and not move across the country for university, I think I would have been way less depressed, but alas. It happened.

I can’t even say that it was all worth it because look I came out the other side and I still have the most amazing friends who went through it all with me. I don’t have that. I lost out on proximity to people I love because I was kind of a jerk sometimes.

That being said, I also recognize I am not the same person I was even a year ago. Last year I moved back to my hometown and was surprised at how lonely it was to be there. And maybe it shouldn’t have been surprising. But it was and it was sad because I have been so hard on myself for such a long time. I have wanted to make things right, to set myself free. Instead I’ve waited for others to give me permission to do so. And coincidentally it has stalled everything about my own progress on every level. I hold myself back creatively, socially, professionally, academically when I am afraid of what people think.

A couple months ago I started doing a couple sessions a month of creative coaching with a fabulous hype woman who listened so kindly to me as I rambled about my wildest dreams and most saturated visions of colour. In our first call together she asked what were some artistic projects I would love to work on. One of them is to make and write postcards to strangers. She helped me understand how the medicine we give is often the medicine we crave.

I can be so inclusive and inviting and encouraging and affirming of others. I see outsiders and want them to know they’re seen and that they can belong and they are not too weird or different and actually, there is no such thing as outsiders in the first place. We’re all in this together. I’ve always been this way. It’s a gift and it’s also a flaw. Frankly it is also the thing I hunger for most - to be seen and understood and celebrated for who I am by people who just want me to be included in something bigger. Even though it’s what I crave I can self sabotage and push away and wind up feeling so left behind even though it’s what I chose.

I guess what’s changed is that I recognize my need for those things and I don’t see it as a weakness anymore. I’m aware of experiencing desire for connection, but I can witness myself in those feelings and not be overwhelmed by them. I don’t have to feel anxious every time I hang out in groups because I don’t know who to trust. I can trust myself. I can trust others too.

Lots of internal things happening, not sure where it’s all leading, sometimes feeling impatient with the process, with myself in the process.

Watching myself want to explain all of the past versions of Hannah, to be acceptable, to be permissible, to be acknowledged as a work in progress. I see a younger version of me just wanting kindness. Craving closeness. Eye contact and a nod. If I am holding back from unleashing all of my creativity in the world because I am so afraid of what 20 people think about me in a world of 8 billion…it’s time to let go.

I hope future Hannah keeps learning the art of tuning in and being quiet - not always alone, just listening to herself. I hope she relearns the art of trusting others, even when it’s been out of the question before. I hope she lets the process be what it is: not black and white, full of grey, full of -ish.