earth to hannah
It has been a long winter. Not as long as last winter, mind you. Nothing beats how hard last winter felt. The photo above was taken on one of my morning commutes to work. I adore this one tree in the middle of a field on my left as I drive away from the sunrise each morning. I love its shape. I love where it is situated in the field. I love that it isn’t completely by itself there; it has a friend nearby. On this particular morning I was buzzing with excitement to snap a good film photo with the morning colours and this one turned out beautifully. Despite operating a moving vehicle I nailed centering this sweet little tree at Elgin Mills and McCowan.
Lately my head has been running a mile a minute - when isn’t it? But also moving so slowly through some sticky ethereal stuff. I’m in my imagination all the time. I’m at work but I’m not. I’m at home but I’m not. I’m driving but I’m also on a beach looking for rocks. I’m at the gym but I’m at school, making new friends, getting inspired to collaborate on a new creative project.
Today after work I was talking to Mar about things I want and how badly I want to not be judged for wanting them. And I said, "What if it’s the end of the world?” And she said, “If it’s the end of the world and we’re all going to die then you might as well die with your work”. (She didn’t actually say work, she used a more explicit word which I will not use here because I’m pretty sure I don’t swear here. Yet.)
Amie McNee is someone I return to again and again when I feel like shaving my head and spiralling and returning to the dirt. She says things I feel deeply and her externalization of her own feelings is so liberating because I hear myself in her words. She says in one of her essays: “I want you to find work that is meaningful. I want you to earn money doing something that you love. I want to wake up and collectively make a world that sparkles”
I want to wake up and be so excited to share what I have with the world. I want to know my place - a place which is the shape of me when I am most alive and content and excited to live. I want what I say and go and how I engage to be meaningful, not just for people around me but for myself as well.
I don’t want this to be idealistic of me. I want this to be the real, honest work. I want to work hard for my whole life. I just care immensely about how I spend my time because I understand how limited it is.
Maybe me living in my imagination is a good thing, even if I feel like a space cadet for right now. I am going to keep dreaming and doing and creating. I am going to see where it all lands. Even if it isn’t on a planet I currently recognize.