i know how this part goes

I’ve been awake since 6am and I definitely didn’t fall asleep until sometime after midnight and I know why my body is so jazzed and doesn’t want to sleep - it wants to write.

She’s finally in the space, she’s finally in the groove, she’s had enough time away from her other reality to let loose in this other familiar one…only to be thrown into a whirlwind again when she flys back to her other home in 48 hours. It’s a painful thing.

I know I have to go back - it’s where I live now. I know I can’t avoid the inevitable. I’ve decided to be in that other place but I feel like a kid being dropped of at kindergarten who just doesn’t want to let go of their mom. And that’s saying something because I don’t think I was ever that kid.

I was the kid who wanted to show the other kids that there was nothing to be afraid of. I was (and still am) the kid who shows up and acts like whatever’s happening is not really a big deal and you don’t have to freak out and it’s gonna be fun, see?

But that is not how I feel right now. I could blame it on the litre of iced coffee I had this morning but I know full well that the fear of flying back and not knowing when I’m coming home again is making me sad today.

I love it here. I love when the house is empty. I’ve been craving true deep alone time, solitude, isolation whatever you want to call it - I can never get enough.

Is it normal to want to be alone this much?

I think I crave it so much because aloneness is when I hit a flow state with my writing that I can never hit when I’m in the vicinity of another person. There’s something sacred that happens when I know I’m totally alone. It’s amazing how being here I’m aware of the lack of traffic, there are no sirens at night, I can’t here the kids running around in the townhouse right beside me. I’m actually able to experience what I crave so deeply when I’m back in this place I used to want to escape so badly. And it makes sense - it’s natural to outgrow something and then in leaving it for something else you realize what you love about that initial thing.

I’m learning the importance of quiet and privacy and space and what that does for my own spiritual/artistic practice. I feel like I can breathe again.

Going back to reality probably looks like wearing headphones more. Note to self.