anywhere, everywhere, somewhere.
I’m writing from my old bedroom in my parents’ house. I took the week to fly back East and spend some time alone in their house. Mostly I came back because I won’t be home for Christmas for the first time ever and I figured since I’m in between jobs right now the best thing to do would be to return ‘home’ for a little while. And it feels really good to be back.
I was afraid it wouldn’t feel this way. The town I left because it felt small and too familiar now feels like a warm hug after a really long, blustery walk somewhere far away.
I’ve been tired. I’ve been tired from doing a new thing. Moving across the country uses all sorts of different muscles I didn’t know my heart had. My body has been resting hard since I got here and a few 13 hour sleeps have occurred. A few nights in a row.
It’s been good to remove myself from the little world I see myself in on the coast and to remember where I came from, to return to the people who have known me the longest. It is very strange to be able to return to this old place and know that I’ve been here before, and all of the newer versions of me will continue to return here too. Because as much as I long for adventure and love becoming new things,
I get so tired.
I think most of us are so tired right now. I think 2022 has been a long one. I need some more 13 hour sleeps just thinking about it.
I honestly feel like “normalcy” seems like a joke these days. There was no such thing before, but now the reality of our situation is that things have changed forever and we haven’t actually caught up yet. We are still playing catch up and most of us are too tired, too burnt out. Achieving balance or some sense of “okayness” seems too idealistic right now for a lot of people.
I have to keep reminding myself that it’s okay that I’m going to get on a plane and fly back to BC where life feels anything but grounded right now. I didn’t sign up for being grounded right away - moving anywhere takes time. When you move anywhere you sign up for an adjustment period, a time of transition, an evolution, a genesis, a renaissance. I’m getting on that plane on Saturday but I have no idea when or where I’ll actually land. It was an illusion when I convinced myself that moving to BC would feel like I was putting down roots. That won’t come for a little while. That won’t come until I’m in a routine. And routine won’t come until I truly choose where to invest my time and energy for the next little while.
It’s hard for me to choose things. Basically always. Indecision is my biggest vice. I’ve learned so much about myself over my short time transitioning back to the coast. Mostly I feel like I’m relearning all of the old lessons all over again. Just deeper.
(I don’t see myself as being a BC person, by the way. I don’t really feel like I’m an anywhere person. And I wonder what it would feel like to resonate with a place the same way I see other people do. I don’t think my current partner feels like an anywhere person either. Maybe we’re everywhere people. Maybe we just haven’t found our somewhere yet.)
The thing keeping me going is the idea of summer returning, even though it’s 6 months away and we haven’t even hit Winter Solstice yet. Maybe because being outside and being in the sun are things that make me feel like a Somewhere person. When I’m warm and sweaty and running around outside my body feels like a body again. But this being inside thing isn’t for me. If I’m not getting messy and talking to the trees I’m not sure where I am.
That’s actually something I’ve learned since being in BC. I don’t know how I ever thought working inside would ever feel good to me. Maybe that makes me a Somewhere person after all.