sunrises

The first sunrise of 2021 was the reddest sky I had ever seen. It woke me up, the boiling scarlet rays. The largest window in my room is open to the eastern sky and although I typically wake up before sunrise, new years day was not one of those mornings. The sun beat me to the chase and greeted me instead.

The vibrant colours made me feel a little nervous if I’m being honest because I couldn’t stop hearing the phrase, “Red at night is a sailor’s delight but red in the morning is a sailor’s warning”

I don’t think of myself as superstitious but I do believe in signs when they come. So maybe I am superstitious. I wanted to see the brilliant red as a good omen, but it felt very overwhelming and majestic in a fiery way. It felt intense and foreboding and I wanted to run towards it and be enveloped in it rather than be fearful of it.

Sometimes when I’m afraid of something I run towards it.

It’s like if I were a child and knew there was a spider on the wall in front of me I wouldn’t dare turn my back to it just in case it attacked. I would rather become one with the thing I am most afraid of than stay separate and let my fear of it dictate my behaviour.

I’ve spent a lot of my time reflecting on past versions of myself and hating that I couldn’t just run towards other things. I look back at decisions I’ve made and wish I had chosen differently. I have judged my past selves against the knowledge of the present. Hindsight is certainly 20/20 but what’s the point in seeing clearly if you’re going to use that understanding to bludgeon yourself to death?

I am also looking back at past versions of myself and noticing this pattern in which I am awoken by something or to something and it makes me uncomfortable and instead of running away from it I throw on a scarf and my boots and scuttle across the road to get a better look and take some photos.

Maybe taking photos is a good way to remember past fears and how we overcame them.

The red sun on January 1st 2021 reminded me of a moment from The Magician’s Nephew in the Chronicles of Narnia when Polly and Diggory are in this old world which is dying and the sun there is blazing so red and that’s part of how they know that that world is going to die soon. It’s nearing its end. And I was thinking about that overwhelming feeling of knowing that something is about to end.

Joan Didion says that endings are a lot harder to see than beginnings. I think she was talking about how you can remember the start of something but it’s difficult to discern when you reflect on your own story when something abruptly stopped or changed. Most things fade. Most things gradually evolve.

There are a million sunrises in the past and in the future and they all blur into one another.

But sometimes worlds end.

Years end.

Existing things cease to exist.

And I guess I’m wondering why that seems so sad.

Why does the end of something fill me with so much fear and curiosity and wonder all at once?

What happens after the sun turns red?