the desire to be all in
I have been recording for the past week - something new, something I haven’t seriously dedicated myself to before. I am podcasting. And it is scary as hell.
It’s funny because I’ve considered myself the queen of voice memos for a really long time. And I’m realizing it hasn’t been difficult to communicate via memos because I never re-listen to them. But recording episodes is different because I’m re-listening to myself and my inner critic is having a hay day. It is wild.
This past week I took off work so I could be alone in the apartment while my roommate is in BC. And I had been looking forward to the silence, the solitude, the aloneness. And it didn’t take long for me to understand how difficult this time would be - and hopefully how fruitful it will prove to be as well. I’ve never taken this kind of time off work to just lean into who I am and what I want to create and where I’m going (not that I have a clue).
Watching the world stage change recently has left me feeling like I have nothing to lose if I put it all out there right now. Is it the end of life as we know it? Probably. Change is inevitable. And instead of feeling the angst of our current cultural moment I just want to squeeze it all out on a canvas and spread it around and make something new.
On top of trying my hand at podcasting I’ve been trying to play around on the piano again and maybe jot down some words for songs and oh wow I feel like every time I start to whisper words over the sound of the piano keys I am seeing a younger version of myself walk down the hallway, looking at me with eyes that say, “Do you think I’m good enough now?”
And that’s the humbling part. Being so aware of how deep my desire to be all in is, while simultaneously being aware of how deep my desire for affirmation is.
Most of the time I want other people to tell me how loved I am and how good enough I am before I even start the thing. I don’t want to put anything out there until I know how perfectly everyone will respond to me. I don’t want to let my nerve endings come into contact with any unpredictable matter because it hurts too much.
But the evolution I am undergoing means I get to watch my little inner child throw a tantrum about how scary everything is and how overwhelming it is and not feel affected by it. I see it and acknowledge that the pain is real and also that the reaction to that pain is a subjective experience. It’s okay.
The pain of existing in a body and experiencing the world can be incredibly overwhelming at times. Let alone tuning into the experiences of others while they live through their own traumas.
This week while I am off of my usual Monday- Friday grind I am finding my way and it is not as easy and comfortable as I thought it would be. In some ways it kind of feels like when I went on the Camino de Santiago in 2019. I was alone in a new place and it was not glamorous. It was lonely, although I met friendly strangers along the way.
It was whimsical and wild and it was an adventure.
Well that’s what this is too. And thankfully I’m not trying to hide or avoid being seen this time. Before that trip I shaved my head in an attempt to seem unapproachable and independent. But now I am not trying to seem tough or smart or brave. I am admitting the fear and doing it anyway. I am more interested in my own honesty than in my own success, whatever that means. I am curious about how community could be curated through my work. It feels like for the first time I am witnessing vulnerable parts of myself show up without editing them into oblivion. I am believing in all the things I have believed about everyone else for forever. I am believing in my own enoughness, in the goodness of who I am and what I have to offer. It’s excruciating but I have to keep going.